The most common thing I hear in the therapy room is, "Help! I can't turn my brain off!" 

I often joke, "If I knew where the switch was, I swear I'd tell you - right after I switched off mine!"

I usually follow that joke up with the idea that although we can't turn our brains off, we can give our brains "something else" to do. 

But will that "something else" make me happy? Peaceful? Distracted? 

What am I aiming for?

Usually the answer comes down to a very simple response: Peace of mind.

As some of your know, I enjoy reading about Buddhism and find a lot of interesting and helpful ideas about the mind in the pages of Buddhist philosophy books - the ideas are over 2500 years old and still relevant today! 

This post offers Buddhist ideas for your consideration only. As always, take what you like and leave what you don't. 

If you'd like to learn more about Buddhism, I've included some reading recommendations at the end of this blog post.

Recently, through various readings, I've learned that western psychology doesn't offer any theory or guideline that will predictably lead its followers to...lasting happiness and peace of mind! 

Pardon me? To me, this is a strange and almost impossible omission. But the more I thought about it, the more I could see that the assertion is correct.

Let me explain. 

Argument #1: Let's say you're well-being was rated on a scale between -10 (terrible) and +10 (amazing) with zero as your baseline. Western psychology has done a decent job helping us get our well-being from -10 to 0 or back to baseline. One of the main way it does this is by offering strategies that challenge negative thinking patterns using tools from cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). This process involves looking at our negative thoughts and creating more accurate versions of those thoughts. This strategy is meant to access our rational brains to bring us - not happiness or peace of mind - but back to a more accurate reality. Less distress. Or back to baseline. 

Argument #2: When it comes to emotions, western psychology focusses on "regulating" our emotions. For instance, when we're angry we are told to count to 10, breathe, and let the anger disperse over time. This strategy is not about creating good emotions, but regulating difficult emotions and getting ourselves - you guessed it - back to baseline. 

Argument #3: Furthermore, western psychology offers no real framework through which we can understand our minds - how they work, and what makes them happy. Sure, it offers theories about why we feel the way we do by using our past to map our current internal landscape. And psychologists can point to happy people and explain why they're happy - but it has little to say about how our minds contribute to our happiness or how to use our minds to make ourselves truly happy and peaceful. 

Instead, when it comes to happiness and peace of mind, western psychology points towards external factors that create happiness/peace including: fulfilling social and familial relationships, participating in a community, engaging in hobbies and self-care, and having a meaningful job. According to Western psychology, these are the things that ought to make us happy and peaceful. And they certainly can! But a comment I hear a lot in the therapy room is, "On paper, my life is perfect. So why am I not happy?" 

What are we missing?

Buddhism Basics:

What follows is Buddhist theory around suffering - what makes us suffer, and how we can stop suffering.

The Buddha said that if we have a mind, we will suffer. Fair enough. He went on to say that the reason we suffer is our mind's attachment or aversion to things. 

Some examples of things we might be attached to include: 

Money

Status

Other's good opinions of us

Comfort

Looking good

Feeling good

The flip side of these attachments are things we want to avoid or are averse to - basically the opposite of the list above. No money, no status, no pleasant feelings, etc.

But wait! Of course I want to be rich, good looking, and comfortable. What's wrong with that?

The Buddha recognizes this conundrum and said that the things we grasp for (or dodge) aren't the problem - it's the attitude we have about those things that is the problem. 

Bottom Line: we suffer when we crave things we want and when we try to dodge things we don't want.

But why?

When the Buddha became enlightened he realized something very important - everything is temporary. Therefore, getting attached to anything (or avoiding things) was a recipe for suffering because it will alway always ALWAYS change.

Attachment is wanting things to be the way WE want them to be - for OUR benefit and comfort - ALL the time. 

But this is not how reality works. Seeing reality as what it is - constantly changing - reminds us to take things as they come and respond accordingly. Because things/emotions/situations always come and go. 

(There is also a very important ethical component to the end of suffering that I will reference here if you'd like to read on.)

How do we challenge our attachments and aversions?

Step 1:

The first step in the practice of challenging our attachments and aversions is to become aware of them. This is where mindfulness helps.

Mindful awareness simply means that we are checking in with our motivations, experiences, thoughts, emotions, and behaviours on a regular basis.

To do this, we take a breath, turn our attention inward, and ask ourselves:

What thoughts are arising?

How do I feel?

What is motivating me right now?

What am I doing or what do I want to do? Why?

Simply scanning our experiences will help us get to know ourselves better. We may learn over time that we feel a certain way a lot or that our thoughts have similar themes.

Mindfulness is something you can do right now and many times throughout the day. Please experiment with mindfully tuning in to your emotional self - I promise you'll be surprised at what you learn about yourself! (Psst...be honest!)

Step 2:

If we're feeling something uncomfortable it's time to ask ourselves what we are attached to or what are we avoiding. What is getting in the way of my peace of mind?

Here's an example: I'm sitting at home and check in with myself. I realize that I'm feeling irritated and uncomfortable because I'm cold. I know that my partner has reduced the heat in the house again, so I start blaming him and getting angry at him in my mind. 

I realize that I'm saying things to myself like, "I've asked him ten thousand times to not touch the thermostat! What's wrong with him? Doesn't he care about me at all? Oh my God, I hate him sometimes!"

Yikes!

In this moment, I'm aware that I'm angry and hurt and having negative thoughts about my partner. I'm feeling tense and I know that anger is making my face contort and my breathing quicken.

I pause and take a breath and acknowledge that I'm suffering because of my attachments and aversions. In this moment I recognize that the way I want things to be *for me* in this moment isn't happening. I *want* to be warmer and I *don't want* to feel that my partner doesn't care about me. I am aware that I feel motivated to act out and yell at him and hurt him back. 

What should I do?

Step 3:

According to Buddhism, attachments give rise to non-virtuous emotions which disturb our peace of mind. The Buddha identified literally tens of thousands of destructive emotions but he grouped them into categories: hatred/anger, greed, pride, and jealousy. 

(He also suggested we suffer out of ignorance, but this is not the same as our western idea of ignorance. Instead, he is referring to the ignorance of the "nature of reality". The nature of reality or "emptiness" is a Buddhist concept that is complicated and I won't cover it. Mostly because I won't pretend that I totally get it.)

Back to my story of the thermostat - a tale as old as time between partners, it turns out.

When I tune in mindfully to my experience, I become aware that in that moment I'm attached to how I want things to be for MYself and for MY comfort. When I look at the list of destructive emotions I can see how this attachment to "my way" is connected to pride. I'm special! Look at me!

I'm also aware that my attachment has made me feel anger and hatred towards my partner! These are not nice ways to feel - and not accurate. If I allow these emotions to have their way, I might do some real damage to our relationship, and also to myself because these emotions disrupt my peace of mind and do not allow me to be happy. 

You cannot be angry and peaceful or happy at the same time!

Here's where Buddhism takes baseline a step father than western psychology...towards happiness and peace.

The Buddha offered antidotes to destructive emotions. The antidotes are as follows:

hatred/anger --> compassion and love and patience

greed --> compassion and generosity and gratitude

pride --> compassion and humility and thinking of the good in others

jealousy --> compassion and gratitude and rejoicing in the fortune of others

As you can see, compassion is at the heart of all Buddhist antidotes. 

Compassion is a feeling we can cultivate for all people - it means being keenly aware that we all suffer, that we all want to be happy and loved, and that we should try to help others attain those things when we can.

When we're feeling destructive emotions we can transform the experience by mindfully acknowledging what we are attached to, spot the destructive emotions that arise as a result of the attachment, and cultivate the antidotes in our minds and in our behaviours. 

In western psychology we know that what our brains do over and over again, they get better at doing. So when we cultivate compassionate thoughts and emotions we help our brains get better and better at these feelings. 

And it's these feelings - compassion, love, joy, generosity, patience, and humility that make us truly happy and bring us peace of mind.

Back to my poor partner who has no idea what is going on in my head.

I have spotted my attachment to the way I want things to be - just for me - and how this has given rise to the destructive emotions of pride and anger/hatred. In this moment, I feel that my needs are more important that his and I'm mad that he hasn't made them his priority. 

To transform my destructive emotions, I remind myself that he also suffers with discomfort when it's too warm - what makes my suffering more important than his? From there I spot the anger and hatred I felt and transform this into love and patience. Even shining a light on the word patience in my mind helps me take a breath and soften my attitude. I remember that he just washed the dinner dishes and that he enjoys making me laugh - yeah, he's alright. At this point I am able to say to him, with a genuine smile, "Hey, I'm feeling a bit cold - would you mind if I turn the heat up a bit?" His response - "Sure."

Not a big deal. No drama. No bad or hurt feelings. No harsh words that can't be unspoken. No major battle of wills - which this issue has caused in the past. 

What have I achieved? 

More awareness of my inner narrative and emotional landscape.

More peace of mind. 

More good emotions that foster happiness and peace of mind in the long run. 

This example demonstrates how these attachments and destructive emotions show up in the smallest of ways and disturb our peace of mind. All. Day. Long.

I'm often asked - in the midst of a crisis - how do I turn my brain off RIGHT NOW? The answer, of course, is that you can't, but you can start transforming your mind immediately. There is a constant barrage of minute situations - like the one I just offered - that alert us to our attachments/aversions and each one presents an opportunity to cultivate positive emotions and reduce negative ones.

This is where you start. The little things that happen constantly. Once you start tuning into your mind you'll start to see all the little ways that you become agitated. 

You'll start to see all the little things that disturb your peace of mind and - ultimately - your happiness.

Once you have some experience with the little trials, you are on your way to handling the big stuff. Crisis averted.

SUMMARY

Steps to creating more peace of mind, according to Buddhism:

1) Conviction! I really want to change my mind and make it a nicer place to be.

2) Education. Learning about Buddhist psychology, philosophy, and ethics to understand the way to make this change and how the change happens. Dive in! (Reading list below)

3) Awareness/mindfulness. Tuning into our thoughts and feelings and learning about our own mind through mindfulness, contemplation, and meditation. 

4) Transform difficult emotions, whenever possible, by using your understanding of the nature of attachments, the destructive emotions they give rise to, and by cultivating antidotes to emotions.

5) Effort and practice. Continuously making the effort in every moment to live in a way that supports your inherent goodness and values.

REMEMBER: We cannot feel two opposing emotions at the same time. If you agree that feeling more love, compassion, joy, patience etc. makes your mind a happier and more peaceful place to be, then look at what your mind is up to and make decisions (when you can) to think and feel more of the good stuff.

I'd love to hear your thoughts!

Yours,

Wendy

Reading material for your consideration:

Buddha's Brain by Rick Hanson

Peace is Every Step by Thich Nhat Hanh

The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama

No Mud, No Lotus by Thich Nhat Hanh

Happiness: A Guide to Developing Life's Most Important Skill by Mattieu Ricard